Hope Rises

Some days are dark… on Sunday this was what I wrote:

I feel as though life is a complete mess and most days I can see the beauty in that mess because it is mine.

It’s funny how you can go from Mrs. Optimistic to not, like that.

I felt like I was braving it well, the stress from the surgery, recovery and the financial mess our health has caused, the prospect of possibly never having things the way we imagine.  But, I was okay, happy to be me, happy to be healthy, happy to be Izzi’s mom, grateful for family and my faith and all that I do have and content to be patient for the more. {And by more I don’t mean boats, trips, expensive clothes or toys—I mean stability, and the means to help others in the places we have been}

And then yesterday- started officially miscarrying, sick with a sick baby {102 fever and puking}, messy house, messy life.  I am so very tired.  I feel this overwhelming feeling of failure-why, I know this must be the hormones but I feel like the world is passing me by and I am getting trampled.  SO dramatic, and I am not dramatic but sometimes I think you have to just feel what you are feeling and not talk yourself out of it, just feel it.

I know it’s silly but it’s one of those days where I need to have someone tell me something great about me.  I feel like a wreck, like I am trying to put the pieces back together but the glue isn’t holding.  I am trying not to let the “why is this fair” thoughts in because I know life isn’t fair, life isn’t fair… but it is mine…meant for me, the struggles, the trials, the joy and the sorrow, it is all meant so that I can become who I am meant to be, to reach my full potential.  So in that way it is not fair but it is equal or rather perfect, perfect for for us because it is ours.  I am strong, I can do hard things, but right now I just feel human— and weak.  And that is okay because this is life and it’s not all sunshiney days, some days are sticky and yucky and dark but it is in those moments that our true colors shine.  We either become bitter, submit to that dark or we start to climb and even if we get knocked down again we show with our consistent effort how brave we really are.

and

I

am

brave.

…

And then you find hope on the horizon…Read my response on Monday