Hope Rising

February 29, 2012 § 1 Comment

First read when some days are dark…the following is my Monday response.

When I first found out there may be problems I prayed and clearly I heard in my mind, Not mine but Thine.  And this was something I had been desiring to do, to be able in the midst of hardship to face it with undeniable faith and bravery, with my Father’s help that is just what I did.

And then the next thing I desired was to go to the scriptures to the words of the prophets and apostles {modern and ancient}.  But I had to go to the valley, a 45 minute drive immediately after I left the doctors.  This was important—during the ride I talked to that little one in my tummy and told him that I would do everything I could to give him the best chance, that I would fight for him, and that I was so glad to know he was there and that I have learned so much from him already—I was grateful for this pregnancy no matter how long it would last.  I also told him and my sleeping Izz in the back seat of all the beauty and joy this world has to offer, my good as gold wisdoms I have gathered and that it may be a daunting place at times but the opportunity and the love and joy they will experience far outweighs the sorrow and sadness.  I also told them both I would be here for them every step of the way to love them and support them as they and I  navigate our way home and as I bore this testimony to them I cried.

As I got home and had a chance to get to the learning- I went on LDS.org and typed in miscarriage.  I knew I had questions about pregnancy I hadn’t answered yet because while I was pregnant with Izz I kept asking people when they thought that the body of the child received it’s spirit—I did not feel it was at conception {as many were telling me} I felt it was at a later date perhaps when the baby began moving.  These are the articles I read:

Coping with the heartache of Misscarriage

Origins of Man

I Have a Question

What I came away with is that there is a “certain stage, a quickening where the spirit of the child enters the body.”  This was truth in my heart, this is what I felt with Izz, this was truth and truth brings such solace.  My children were still in heaven and this was a trial I needed to grow from.  If it had been after that quickening my feelings would still be the same, not mine but Thine, and my understanding of eternal families and the plan of salvation would have been my strength.

With this new understanding I still mourned last night, sad for potential that was there, the shining light that we needed right now, but —Not mine BUT THINE.  God knows the way and His way is they way I will walk, always.

As I look back at this, unlike yesterday I have renewed resolve, my heart is lifted and my eyes are brightened.  I believe the important thing in times of sadness and darkness is that we hold onto hope because the clouds will part in our soul and we will see the goodness and love that encircles us.

I am grateful for my husband for the simple and sweet blessing that helped this day be better than the last and for grandpa and his blessing for sweet Izz that broke her fever and is helping her heal.

It is now Wednesday and I am finding this is not just a down and then an up, it is Sunday and then Monday and some Sunday Mondays all on a Wednesday but I keep reading this and the hope rises as it always does.

xo Ash


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